violence: not the answer

bitch on thursday night

it’s not the vase’s fault you couldn’t get your homeboy a pack of cigarettes because your id is expired, and he didn’t have his. you didn’t need to take your anger out on it. you’re banned now.

asshole from last night

you got refused service because of your behavior out there. it is not acceptable to pound on the door like that when it’s locked. i told you to go away, and you kept pounding on the door. you even went as far as to kick the door, as if you were trying to break in. yes, that would really get you some service. quite a scene, too. it’s a shame no cops were driving around. it would have made things all the more entertaining.

all the ingredients

to the people stealing butter, eggs…and stuff likely being used to bake something. what? is it too much trouble to ask your neighbor for a cup of sugar, or for a stick of butter? are your neighbors not your friends? come on, when i was living with my mother and baking cakes, i had no problem going next door and asking for whatever i needed. the nice lady over there, a friend of my family, didn’t mind. i didn’t go stealing from my local convenience store. fuck, before i even started mixing ingredients together, i made sure i had enough so i wouldn’t run into any problems.

fuck, if it’s too expensive to buy it from us, there’s a real grocery store across the street that may have it cheaper. stop stealing shit from us. we are not your nice lady next door.

patience

look bitch, i would have let you in if you had waited patiently. you come to the door at 3:20am, banging on it, and yelling that it’s “3:30″. i tell you to wait a few minutes, and you stand out there, bitching your head off. you continued to bitch while i cleaned the parking lot, calling me a dick and an asshole. i realize there isn’t any other place around that takes food stamps, but that is no excuse to be a total cunt. go ahead and report me to corporate for doing my job. of course i refused you service, you gave me attitude the entire time, and called me names. oh, and you say people like *me* make america a wonderful place to live? speak for yourself. i at least contribute something good to society. your behavior out there gave me the impression that you’re nothing but a spoiled brat. don’t ever think of coming back while i’m working.

with crap,
samui

oh, and speaking of bitches…you remember that bitch who threw the chili at me? her husband came by and talked to me. apparently, she flipped out on him and smashed up his car because he spoke in my defense. if she hasn’t been put away already, then she needs to be. probably an asylum or something.

no soup for you

dear miss crackhead lady:

if you had asked nicely, you would have gotten the chili for free. but, you were a bitch. first you whined about the chili pot being open already. that was a lie, because i always check that thing to make sure the chili doesn’t get all crusty. then you bitched because of the price and the quality of the chili. well, it was your choice to get yourself a bowl. and then you had the audacity to order me to ring it up on food stamps. sorry, lady, but, you’re not allowed to get hot foods on food stamps. it’s against store policy, and it’s against the rules for food stamps. you’re lucky i even let it slide when your friend decided to microwave the frozen buffalo wings before they were paid for. the moment you decided to take the bag off the counter like you decided that you’d rather steal the chili, it was on.

oops, did i make a hole in your bag and make you lose your precious chili? aww, pudding. does throwing the remains of the bowl at me make you feel better? that is quite the same as apes throwing shit, right there. how nice of you to show your roots.

violence solves nothing. go ahead, try and kick my ass, i am not afraid of you. think just because you’re a woman i am just going to stand there and take the beating? not only can i kick your scrawny ass, i know people that will make sure you never cause trouble in my store again. you’re lucky i didn’t report you to the police, because that there was assault. but, you’re not welcome anymore. i will call the cops on you if you do show up again, because, i know i’ll have to since you’ll throw another tantrum if i try to kick you out of the store.

no soup for you. come back in one year never.

- Samui

learn to swim, see you down in arizona bay

the first half of my shift last night was so much fun. for some reason, all the stupids in sacramento seemed to gravitate here.

first, let’s begin with…the loogie. someone, at some point before i even came in to work, spat on the door. but instead of on the *outside*, he spat on the *inside*. how cute.

next up, we have the pair of assholes that didn’t like the fact they had to pay first to get their beer, and that my coworker wouldn’t let them grab it from around the pepsi door. sorry, guys, save the reacharound for when you two are at home. also bitching and moaning won’t make me bend the ‘pay first, get beer’ policy. like i told you, no one is forcing you to shop here. go somewhere else. thank you.

third, the drunk smoker guy. he comes in, staggering, smoking his cigarette with no regard to “no smoking inside the store”. we - me and my coworker - told him, to put his cigarette out. he continued to smoke, and put two 2 liter bottles of dr. pepper on the counter. i continued to tell him, put the damn cigarette out. i just rang up the products just so i can get him out of here. the total came out to $5.37. he gave me a $5. he acted as if he didn’t have to give me the 37 cents at first. when he realized what the cost was, he got pissed, took his money back, and left - flipping the bird to me and my coworker as his car passed by the window (he was the passenger, don’t worry). five minutes later, his girlfriend came in to buy the soda. he was at the door, ranting about the price. his girlfriend had to drag him off. lol

later on, i had a group of people come to the door. one of them asked. “are you open?” after opening the door. i shot back a sarcastic reply of “no”, and the people left, the guy that asked the question mumbling something about “this is bullshit.” no, your question was bullshit. if we were closed, would the door be unlocked? would the lights be on? would there be other customers around? no. stupid questions get stupid answers.

the last half of my shift went well. this just has me wondering, what the fuck was everybody on last night? why, all of a sudden, did sacramento get stupider?

makes me glad i’m taking tonight off.

no matches for you

under normal circumstances, our store does not give away matches. we sell lighters. on my shift, i basically would give matches to a regular if they ask nicely, to a customer that paid $6 for a pack of smokes, or if i am feeling generous and i like the person. other than that, no. i’m fine with responses such as “you guys suck” or “okay, i’ll buy a lighter, then”, or even “wtf! every place has matches!”

what i do *not* accept, is being ordered around as if i am the worst piece of scum on earth just because i did not give you a god damn book of matches. i also do not accept a scene being made, being told to call the cops just because you want them here. what the fuck is wrong with you? i don’t know what crawled up your ass, but don’t come in here and take it out on me. just because your husband abused you for burning his dinner, doesn’t mean you can come in here and bitch at the top of your lungs to get me to call the cops on you just because you want them there. look, i offered to light a cigarette for you. don’t fucking order me to open your cigarettes for you. you have hands with opposable thumbs. use them. oh, you want to kick my ass because i told you to stop taking out your issues on me? lol. you can make like a tree and burn. don’t come back.

i realize i haven’t posted in this for a month, but i haven’t had anyone as special as this come along. this was pretty epic.

strangling 1,000 hyenas with barbed wire

the title of this post effectively describes what these three girls sounded like two minutes before 2am. of course, they wanted beer. they ran into the store, screaming, all talking at once. one even said she’d show me her boobs. for beer. even if she did show me her boobs, i still wouldn’t sell beer. i told the girls “no”, and one of them went to the back area, where we have beer displays that can’t be locked up, to grab a 12 pack of corona. she put it back down as i was going to the door to lock them in, and soon after, they left.

for those that say they’ll do anything if i sell them beer past our cut-off time (12am), i will have them go outside to do the safety dance.

other than that my night was okay. the only other thing i can remember is this one guy getting upset because i wouldn’t accept a 20 that had a hole in it. our safe just doesn’t take bills with defects. he had other 20s in his wad, but he said “those are for something else.” what? dude, they’re worth the same. we just aren’t able to accept damaged bills because we’ll get stuck with them. what, do you have some sort of superstition that if you spend bills in the wrong order, you get bad luck? well, it seems you were unlucky because you forgot your lottery ticket. oops!

and one more thing … assholes that try to address me as if i were a dog will be ignored. seriously. clerks are people, too, you know. human beings. we appreciate being treated as such.

special people are special

my night began with telling panhandling steve and his buddies to leave the premesis. his friend was all “oh you just don’t like us.” no, i don’t. i told them that, and i said “do not pass go, do not collect $200, in fact don’t collect anything. just leave.” he’s on his bike, and he’s pulling out of the parking lot and stopped in front of this car that was about to pull in. lucky for him, the driver stopped. then he was all “do not pass go, i am a nigger.” he left the parking lot after that.

my shift starts off okay after that, but i get this guy who RAGED when i charged him for children’s nyquil. $10.01. he puts a five on the counter, starts to count out his ones, and throws all his ones on the counter. he had $4 extra, which i kept as a tip.

later on, i get two people trying to scam me for cigarettes, in a span of five minutes. one guy claims that my coworker jennifer never gave him his pack of camels. i tell him the usual “come back in the morning, then the manager can find out.” he buys another pack instead. then i realize, that he already got his cigarettes, because i rang him up, not jen, and i gave him his smokes, because i remember making a comment about the display being rearranged. so that was taken care of. then, not even two minutes later, this other guy claims he never got his newports. i tell him there is nothing i can do, since, i haven’t seen him, nor is my coworker there to confirm anything. i give him the manager’s number, and tell him to call. he says “can’t i get at least two cigarettes? or my $4.25 back since i didn’t get my cigarettes?” lol wut? newports are $4.46, buddy. if you paid $4.25, you’re either at the wrong station, or tried to get them a couple months ago. or, you’re just a lying sack of shit.

everything went okay for the rest of the night. then i get this guy who pretty much insulted me because i gave him a gold dollar coin as change. key words - gold, coin. he says that since he’s older than me he has more experience with money. and that someone, could mistaken a gold dollar coin as a quarter. that’s the whole fucking reason they’re gold in the first place, dipshit. if you’re saying that you could spend a gold fucking coin as a quarter which is not gold, then you can’t be so experienced as you think you are. also, it’s still a dollar, and legal tender. though, you were lucky i was in a good mood and let you have your precious paper bill. ohhhh yes, can’t let the spoiled 37 year old brat not get his paper money, right? (note: i realize some things don’t take dollar coins as dollars. but, he was not bringing up that point, so it’s irrelevant to this case.)

going topless won’t get you better service

i’m sure you’re familiar with the ever-famous policy of stores: “no shirt, no shoes, no service”. well, this one guy went nuts when i enforced it. first, let’s rewind. this girl comes in, wanting a pack of swishers. she looks under 18, so naturally, i card her. she doesn’t have id, so no sale. a minute or so later, a guy comes in, without a shirt on, and baggy pants hanging so low you can see his boxers. i tell him twice he needs to put a shirt on, but he goes straight into his order, which was, as i predicted, a pack of swishers. i tell him “no”, because he is not wearing a shirt. (on top of that, the possibility of buying tobacco for a minor?) he starts arguing with me saying that everybody “does it”. i tell him i won’t sell him the swishers, and he gets very angry. like, he gestured as if he were about to jump over the counter at me. i roll my eyes, and watch him storm out in a rage failing to slam the door behind him. i tell him not to come back.

look, kid, rules are rules. no shirt, no service means no shirt, no service. no exceptions. unless, of course, you’re cute, in which case, i might let it slide. but you’re definitely not cute, you’re hideous, a crime against nature. i don’t want to see you shirtless, and i’m sure nobody else does either. so put on a shirt, if you want to go into a store. okay?

this was the biggest source of lulz from last night.

i just love the way you communicate

so what we have here, is a failure to communicate. my shift starts out all fine and dandy until i go to do my normal routine cleaning of the coffee area, and find that the evening crew, had left it a fucking wreck. there was a huge puddle of coffee all over the counter, underneath the machines and displays. all the pots were near empty, except for one, which was bone dry, and still on a hot burner, thus rendered useless. i go in the back to find that another pot is cracked. now, i don’t have a problem with messes. messes happen. what does piss me off, however, is the fact that the two people that were working when i got there, failed to mention it to me. i mean, it’s not that hard to say “hey, there’s a major coffee spill that needs to be cleaned.” and jen, you work at starbucks. you should be ashamed of yourself for letting this happen.

another communication failure - the push broom doesn’t go back together properly. the spring mechanism in the clip which attaches to the broom part, doesn’t spring anymore. so it would come apart each time you lift up the broom, basically. no one bothered to say anything about it. i just duct taped it back together and went on with my shift. but still, it would be nice to have been told there was a problem with the broom, especially if you told the manager about it so he could get a new one.

then we have the handtruck which we use to move around cases of drinks and bags of ice. a wheel fell off. whoever used it last lost the pin that held it in place, and it sure as hell wasn’t me. a paper clip solved the problem. though, once again — would be nice if we knew about this problem beforehand.

other than these three problems with my coworkers expecting me to be psychic, my night went pretty well. other than a few problematic customers.

remember the bitch that cried about the beer being locked up *before* midnight? well, she came back with her husband, who started to ask me about me not treating his wife with respect when she interrupted him. she asked why they (quik stop) keep me there and stuff. i just ignored her question and let her talk. apparently, she wants me fired. because i am mean to her or something. well, look, i respect those who deserve it. after giving me crap the last two times, i don’t think she’s worthy of it. if she don’t like me, she could just not show her face while i’m working. plain and simple.

then we have the … i don’t know how to describe him. he did provide a little bit of lulz. he asked for some cigarettes, and naturally, i carded him. and he started ranting about “i don’t care if you work for apple” and shit like that. stuff about being trained by bill gates and stuff. and anarchy. um, yeah, dude. whatever.

another lady comes in, trying to break a 50. fortunately, she had a friend that had two 20s, two 5s. eventually i get her to use the two 5s for the $10 worth of gas she wanted, since i had very limited change at the time. another friend of hers took a 29 cent candy, saying she would cover it. it took me another while to get the 29 cents from the lady, with her saying “i’ve got it”. asking me if it comes out of my paycheck or whatever. then, when she *finally* gives me the money she says “didn’t you read my face when you said i got it?” my response to that was, not out loud, “yeah, and didn’t you read *my* face when i said okay. it was like, if you got it, then where is it?” i think she was intoxicated or something.

lastly, we have panhandling steve. (originally, i call him panhandling dan, but we already have a dan, and he’s the dork that is supposed to be the assistant manager.) he is not welcome on our property. if he comes in, he comes in to steal. if he’s outside, he says he’s waiting for a ride. though he’s really begging people for money. i tell him to go away, and he walks towards the bus stop, asking people for change along the way. he comes back, asking more people for change. i tell him again to go away. and he walks *towards the store*. i ask him why, and he doesn’t answer, he just takes something out the ashtray, and walks away. once again…asking someone for change. look, dude, when i say to leave the store property, i mean *leave*. don’t pass go, don’t collect $200, just get the fuck off our property!

that’s about it. i’m looking forward to the next few days. it’s a holiday weekend, which will make things all the more interesting.